


Episode 10: "Keeping Society So Ill At Ease"

by gaypetersimmonds, spellwatch642



Series: The Valid Project: Season 1 [10]
Category: Original Work, bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Canon Autistic Character, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Character of Color, Canon Gay Character, Canon Jewish Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Non-Binary Character, Canon Trans Character, F/M, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, also mentioned ableism toward autistic people, nothing explicit though, tw for talked about abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-28 04:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20419604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaypetersimmonds/pseuds/gaypetersimmonds, https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellwatch642/pseuds/spellwatch642
Summary: Since last year's disastrous production of Cats, the drama program at Shoreditch Secondary School has been shit. But this year, new teacher Mx Stenberg is going to try and make a statement by directing a Year 11 production of bare: A Pop Opera.The majority of students of Shoreditch really don't care about the show, but the drama kids are more excited than anything. The few students who end up auditioning aren't exactly the most popular at the school, and they don't all like each other, but that's not going to stop them. The show must go on, even if it means risking everything.





	Episode 10: "Keeping Society So Ill At Ease"

FADE IN:

EXT. ALISTAIR’S HOUSE - NIGHT

JAMES and ALISTAIR are standing together on the pavement in front of the house, JAMES in a suit, ALISTAIR in a hoodie, both of them looking very nervous.

ALISTAIR  
Thanks for doing this, I-- I know it’s stupid, but, you know… 

JAMES  
Kinda is. But not your fault. I just don’t see how your mother looked at  _ me _ and thought I was somehow suitable for anyone to date.

ALISTAIR  
Jimmy, she’ll see literally any boy and girl standing next to each other and  _ assume _ .

JAMES  
If only she realised there is no girl here.

ALISTAIR  
Haha, yeah… But when we go in, you have to pretend, okay? You know, Kelly, she/her, all that jazz.

JAMES  
Can’t I have like, a unisex nickname for you?

ALISTAIR  
Like what?

JAMES pauses to think for a moment.

JAMES  
The Falcon.

ALISTAIR  
What? What the fuck are we, The Slut and The Falcon?

JAMES  
It could be like a cool couple’s thing we have!

ALISTAIR  
No! Our cool couples thing is never going to be The  _ Falcon _ _!_ Jesus, I wonder why Liz even keeps you.

JAMES laughs nervously.

JAMES  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ALISTAIR  
Sorry, I-- I was just kidding, you’re a very lovely man and I can see why-- Well, I personally can’t see, but like, objectively I can see why, you know, she would like you. You have… a nose. That’s something she likes.

JAMES  
Do you really think my nose is what you should go for?

ALISTAIR  
I-- I meant you have a nice nose! Looks very boop-able, you know? Like, um… Yeah.

JAMES  
Thank you, your nose is also very boop-able I’m sure. Shall we go in before they start to think we’re fucking?

ALISTAIR nervously and loudly laughs.

ALISTAIR  
Totes, bro! I-- I’m sorry.

JAMES  
Stick to mate or some other British shit. Come on.

ALISTAIR  
Into the hellfire we go.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM, ALISTAIR’S HOUSE - SAME TIME

ALISTAIR and JAMES sit across from ALISTAIR’S PARENTS, ALISTAIR looking extremely uncomfortable as they sit in slightly less uncomfortable silence.

MONICA  
So… James, uh, tell us about your family.

JAMES  
Oh, I don’t live with them currently. I’m… living with my grandmother, actually.

MONICA  
Oh, why don’t you live with them?

JAMES  
They moved to London, I wanted to stay here with my friends until secondary school is over.

MONICA  
That’s nice!

There’s an awkward pause, ALISTAIR looking at JAMES, confused.

JAMES  
Can I use the bathroom?

PATRICK  
It’s just down the hall, to the left there.

JAMES  
Thank you, Sir.

He gets up and quickly leaves, ALISTAIR turning to his parents.

ALISTAIR  
Can you please stop talking like that?

MONICA  
Like what?

ALISTAIR  
Asking questions and stuff, it’s-- It’s just not necessary.

MONICA  
Kelly, he’s your boy--

ALISTAIR  
Can we please just leave it?

PATRICK  
[to MONICA] She’s just embarrassed, it’s fine.

ALISTAIR  
I’m not, I-- I don’t think this was a good--

He looks past his parents and sees JAMES smoking nervously outside of the window.

ALISTAIR  
I don’t think this was a good idea, maybe he should just go home!

PATRICK  
We’re almost done eating anyway, then he can go. 

MONICA  
Can’t we want to get to know him?

ALISTAIR  
No!

MONICA  
Why not?

ALISTAIR  
Because… I don’t… Um, I-- I don’t--

MONICA  
Calm down.

ALISTAIR  
I am calm!

There’s a pause, and JAMES walks back in, all of them trying to act like everything is normal. JAMES glances at ALISTAIR as he sits down, then suddenly turns to his parents.

JAMES  
Have we told you about the bake sale?

ALISTAIR  
Yes. We have. Thanks.

JAMES  
Cool… Cool. I…

There is a pause.

JAMES  
I’m sorry. I know I’m not doing so well tonight.

MONICA  
It’s fine, you’re doing great. Not like you have any competition.

JAMES  
See, I-- I probably do. I don’t see how I couldn’t.

ALISTAIR looks at him like “what are you doing?”.

JAMES  
It’s just-- I feel like you don’t-- You don’t realize how perfect… Uh, Kelly is.

PATRICK  
Do you  _ know  _ our Kelly?

ALISTAIR  
Thanks, Dad.

JAMES  
That’s not a very nice thing to say, is it? Of course I know her, I  _ love  _ her. That’s why I agreed to come here, so I could assure you that I’m not anything you need to worry about. I mean no disrespect, but I don’t think she deserves what you’re saying here.

There’s a pause, and they all continue eating.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

ALISTAIR and JAMES are walking together in semi-awkward silence, JAMES smoking a cigarette.

ALISTAIR  
I-- I’m really sorry.

JAMES  
Not your fault.

ALISTAIR  
It is, I-- I shouldn’t have made you come, I’m really sorry.

JAMES  
You didn’t  _ make  _ me.

ALISTAIR  
You didn’t have to, but you did, because  _ I  _ asked you to, so… I’m sorry. That’s it, you-- You just need to know. I am.

JAMES  
I hated the way they were talking about you. Like you’re so unlikeable or something.

ALISTAIR  
That’s just how they are, you know?

JAMES  
Yeah, when my parents were just how they are, I ran away so I don’t know if I can stand for it happening to you.

ALISTAIR  
They’re not bad people, they’re just, you know… That’s just how they are about everything, not-- Not just me.

JAMES  
Remember what I told you in the bathroom?

ALISTAIR  
Yeah, why?

JAMES  
If you’re not a bother for me, why should you be for the people who are supposed to love you conditionally? You shouldn’t.

ALISTAIR  
It’s fine, James, honestly. You-- You shouldn’t get worked up over it. It’s no big deal.

JAMES  
How is it no-- Okay, fine… Fine, I’ll drop it. God, if your parents make me this nervous, how am I supposed to act around Liz’s?

ALISTAIR  
Oh, um, they’re actually not that bad. A-- A bit eccentric, yes, but overall they mean well.

JAMES  
So what you’re saying is I’m gonna die.

ALISTAIR  
No! No death is allowed, it’s bad!

JAMES  
Not by my own hand!

ALISTAIR  
That’s worse! And also not allowed!

JAMES  
Man, I hate British culture!

ALISTAIR  
The-- The British culture of not dying?

JAMES  
Yeah!

There’s a short pause and ALISTAIR nervously laughs.

ALISTAIR  
Well, um, at least you’re better than the last one.

JAMES  
Your last fake boyfriend?

ALISTAIR  
My-- My last, uh, you know, person.

JAMES  
Sounds bad. You wanna talk about it?

ALISTAIR  
Um, okay. Uh, her name was Ellie. We met when we were six and we were best friends. You know, hanging out and stuff. We, uh, we talked all of the time. She was the only person who really talked to me until secondary school. Then I met Esther, we became closer and Esther didn’t like Ellie that much and we just grew apart. I, um… I really loved her. In… It was kind of more than friends, I think. I don’t know.

JAMES  
If Esther didn’t like her, it must’ve been  _ bad.  _ So what aren’t you telling me?

ALISTAIR  
What do you mean?

JAMES  
That can’t be the whole story, can it? I mean, I trust Esther’s judgement. So what did she do?

ALISTAIR  
She-- She didn’t really do anything. Just, you know… We just talked a lot about a lot of things and she liked to vent a lot, which just kind of made me feel not nice. Talk about hurting herself a lot. I-- I don’t know. Sometimes she would, you know, hurt me, but it was fine. You know, it’s what kids do.

JAMES  
I used to date someone. I know, shocking.

ALISTAIR  
Was she bad?

JAMES  
Her name was Alice. She was the first person I ever loved, I was hung up on her for so many years, you have no idea. She would date me and drop me at will, barely even text me, make me feel bad about my interests, certain behaviour and I tried to drop her multiple times but each time she would guilt trip me into talking to her again somehow, make me feel like I was a jerk, you know? I haven’t spoken to her in like, a year but… Sometimes it still makes me feel bad. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in love with her and I can never know if I am or not, because I’m just so… used to being in love with her, I guess.

ALISTAIR  
That… I’m really sorry, that’s really not good. She sounds terrible. But like... I get it.

JAMES  
She accepted the parts of me I hated the most, which was I guess enough for me, you know? But that’s not how I feel anymore. But you know, I’m still not quite at the point of, uh, feeling worthy of what I have…

ALISTAIR  
But you are. You’re a really good person who deserves really good things. And-- And while you don’t technically “have” her, I know Liz really loves you. Not just accepts,  _ loves _ . And she loves a lot, which is really nice.

JAMES  
I know. She’s good at showing it. Makes me feel like I’m worth something again, you know? Like I shouldn’t be settling for whoever will agree to fuck me.

ALISTAIR  
Exactly! You shouldn’t have to settle for anything.

JAMES

Neither should you, just so you know.

ALISTAIR

But you should remember that you don’t. You’re-- You’re good.

JAMES

Can I hug you?

ALISTAIR

Oh, um, yeah, sure, if you want to.

JAMES hugs him tightly.

JAMES  
I-- I’d like to walk the rest of the way alone if that’s cool with you. I’m kind of drained.

ALISTAIR  
Of course, just-- Just please stay safe.

JAMES  
I will. Promise.

ALISTAIR  
Thank you. Good night.

JAMES nods, and ALISTAIR walks away. JAMES takes his phone out and calls someone.

JAMES  
Liz? [pause] Yeah, I just-- Everything is fine. I was wondering if you’d wanna come over. [pause] Right now. [pause] Okay, yeah, I’ll-- I’ll see you.

CUT TO:

INT. CANTEEN - MORNING

The CAST (minus teachers) are sitting and standing around a small table covered in shop-bought cakes, with a few homemade ones in the middle, watching students walk past; raised eyebrows and half-closed eyes, tapping feet. No one wants to be there. 

NICK sighs deeply and all eyes turn to him.

NICK  
[double take] What?

LEXI  
Babe, don’t pretend you weren’t trying to get our attention.

WREN looks over at them. 

WREN  
This isn’t going well, is it?

LEXI  
I think the technical term is “absolutely shit”.

ESTHER  
Not absolutely! The cakes taste nice, so… We have that.

TAI extends an arm from the corner, grabs a cupcake, and recoils back to the darkness as he eats it. All eyes on him now, he doesn’t notice at first, then glances back at them indignantly, like “what?”.

NICK  
I mean, if no one’s gonna buy them… 

He grabs a cake, LEXI taking one immediately after. WREN smiles, takes two, and hands one to JORDAN. She takes another and offers it to ALISTAIR, who is standing near her.

ALISTAIR  
Oh, no thank you.

SOPHIE  
You don’t like cake?

ALISTAIR  
It feels weird in my mouth! I don’t like it, it’s all crumbly and sandy-- No offence, Sandy, it’s just bad in the mouth, not that I think about you in my-- Anyway, I’m gonna-- Yeah.

SANDY  
Shit, you know what? I’ve got some chocolate in my bag, do you like that?

ALISTAIR  
Yeah, but I couldn’t possibly take it from--

SANDY  
Oh, it’s not for me, I don’t even like chocolate anyway.

She rummages in her bag and pulls out a packet of chocolate buttons, handing it to ALISTAIR.

SOPHIE  
Oh my gosh, I fucking love those! Al, do you mind if I…?

ALISTAIR  
Of course!

Conversations start to strike up across the group, domino effect, as everyone starts to eat cake and have fun. Pan over to the other side of the table, where LIZ and JAMES are eating cake and making awkward eye contact.

LIZ  
So… Last night was a nice time. Thank you. For it.

JAMES  
Anytime. Of course. Just… Call me up.

LIZ  
Okay. Thanks.

There’s a pause, both of them swallowing.

LIZ  
So… You going to the Halloween party this weekend?

JAMES  
[excitedly] Yeah! I’ve always wanted to go to a Halloween party, you know? Where I’m from, Halloween just isn’t a thing so my parents didn’t celebrate it, so I think it’ll be fun!

LIZ  
Yeah! It is fun! I mean, the noise is very bad, but I love the whole dressing up, sweets, pumpkins, I mean, you just get to stab things!

JAMES  
I’ve also never had anything pumpkin flavoured in my life.

LIZ  
You have to! It tastes really good, I’ll find something for you and make you eat it. Unless you don’t want to. It’s-- It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I think it could be cool.

JAMES does finger guns.

JAMES  
It’s a date then!

LIZ laughs, taking another bite of cupcake.

LIZ  
These taste amazing, God, you made these?

JAMES  
Uh, no. We made a beautiful batter, then ruined it by being friends, then ended up buying these.

NICK  
[mock-offended] Are you fucking serious? You didn’t make these with your own hands?

JAMES  
Why are you so obsessed with my hands, bitch boy?

NICK flips him off, taking a big bite of cupcake as everyone laughs, very happy and having lots of communal fun.

CUT TO:

INT. MUSIC CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

ALISTAIR is pacing the room, mumbling to himself as JAMES walks in.

ALISTAIR  
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of their swords. Look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity. [a bit higher] I would not for the world they saw thee here. [normal] I have night’s cloak to hide me from their eyes, and but thou love me, let them find me here. My life were better ended by their hate than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.

JAMES  
By whose direction found’st thou out this place?

ALISTAIR jumps.

ALISTAIR  
Jesus Christ!

JAMES  
Not really my thing, thank you.

ALISTAIR  
Haha, yeah, ‘cause you’re-- You do the Jewish thing. Um, anyhoo, can we talk? Since you’re here?

JAMES  
Of course. Everything alright?

ALISTAIR  
Yeah, totally, just-- Can you not tell anyone about last night? It was just a bro helping bro time, you know? And, um, I kind of have an image to maintain. Out and proud and all that.

JAMES  
I wasn’t planning to tell anyone.

ALISTAIR  
Oh! Yeah, yeah, obviously, why-- Why would you? Um, just forget I said anything, thanks.

JAMES  
No, I get it. I get wanting to protect a certain image after you, you know, spend years building it.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah… Um, you should probably go. Esther and them are rehearsing choreo in the school hall, I’m helping Jake with his Peter parts here.

JAMES  
I’m sure you make a great Jason.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah. I-- I actually auditioned for Jason, you know, but… Best man for the job and all that.

JAMES  
No, just the most traditionally masculine. I’m nothing compared to you when it comes to performing.

ALISTAIR  
No, you’re good! You really get the character!

JAMES laughs awkwardly as JAKE enters, clutching his script. JAKE stops and looks around.

JAKE  
Am I, um… interrupting something? Sorry, I can go.

JAMES  
Yeah, man, I was about to get my dick out here.

ALISTAIR laughs, forced and loud.

ALISTAIR  
No, you were not, and either way, doing something like that on a stage would be very unhygienic. 

He laughs awkwardly.

JAMES  
[to JAKE] You’re not interrupting anything.

JAKE  
[hiding the extent of his relief] Okay. Well, that’s good. [to ALISTAIR] You’re still up for helping me rehearse, right? Because some of these lines go in one ear and out the other… God, I sound like my mum. Hmm, anyway… 

ALISTAIR  
You’ll be fine, we just need some sticky brain glue… Okay, that’s not a good thing to say, um, but you’ll get it! You probably won’t even need them. Besides, I have the whole thing memorised, harmonies and all, so… I got you!

JAKE  
[laughing] God, that’s… wow, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to do that.

ALISTAIR  
Well, you’re not me, though. But still good! Very talented, very good at the whole theatre business, all of you! All… two of you.

JAMES  
Thank you, I’m leaving now!

JAKE  
Cool! Um… I mean, yeah, see you at Jordan’s.

JAMES nods and leaves, as there’s an awkward pause, ALISTAIR staring after JAMES and JAKE watching ALISTAIR, waiting for him to say something.

JAKE  
So?

ALISTAIR  
So! Let’s get started, then.

_ COMMERCIAL BREAK _

FADE TO:

INT. JORDAN’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The party is already in full swing - everyone in various costumes. Pan around the room to show people chatting in small groups with plastic cups, cans and bottles. Pause on NICK (dressed, somehow, as a sexy roomba), who is chatting to WREN (a black cat), and LEXI (dressed as WREN).

LEXI  
What the fuck are you meant to be?

NICK  
A sexy roomba!

WREN  
That-- I don't like that.

NICK  
Says the girl dressed as a pussy.

LEXI  
You’re not legally allowed to say that word.

Continue to JAMES (dressed as Party Poison), leaning against the doorframe with a half empty bottle. ALISTAIR (dressed as Orpheus from Hadestown) approaches him.

ALISTAIR  
Nice costume, Mr Chemical Romance?

JAMES  
His name is Party Poison, and he is the leader of a revolution against a corporation-run government in a post apocalyptic setting.

ALISTAIR  
Orpheus is like that, only he's a polite man from Great Depression era Ancient Greece! He's a canon socialist!

JORDAN (dressed in everyday clothes), and ESTHER (the same, but with a paper sign taped across her chest that reads “Ghost but solid”) walk over, ESTHER waving.

ESTHER  
In my heart, Nadia McConnell is a canon socialist.

JAMES  
And you’re the director.

ESTHER  
And I’m the director, fuck everything else.

ALISTAIR  
Jordan, I implore you to explain your magnificent costume to us.

JAMES  
Yeah, Jordan, he’s literally imploring.

JORDAN  
I’m a murderer. [pause, stony-faced] We look the same as everyone else.

ALISTAIR  
Bless you, edgy queen.

Suddenly, LIZ emerges from the bathroom door behind them, a cardboard mask of Elizabeth II pushed on top of her head, wearing a jumper with a crown on it. It’s clear she’s a bit tipsy as she makes a beeline for JAMES.

ESTHER and JORDAN share a look of what they think is mutual understanding, and both slope off towards the sofa, where SANDY is sitting alone, observing silently. ALISTAIR smiles awkwardly at LIZ, before walking quickly up the stairs.

JAMES  
Are you okay?

LIZ  
I’m having fun!

JAMES  
I want to let you know right away I’m not kissing that mask.

LIZ  
Good! You should be kissing me instead!

She leans on him, laughing a bit. There is a pause.

JAMES  
Should we be, like, talking about this?

LIZ  
About what?

JAMES  
I don’t know, us. You know, drunk people and honesty and all that. Or drunk people and not remembering stupid shit I might say the next day.

LIZ laughs.

LIZ  
You’re funny. I like that. I like you.

JAMES  
Thank you, my life is a joke but I’m not trying to joke right now.

LIZ’s face falls.

LIZ  
Oh. Sorry.

JAMES  
No! No, it’s okay! I just wanna talk to you, I’m aware it’s not the best time, but can I please talk to you? Somewhere not full of people waiting for drama to happen?

LIZ  
Okay. But you won’t yell at me this time.

JAMES  
Only with joy.

LIZ  
Thanks, babe!

He takes her hand and starts leading her towards the downstairs bathroom.

NICK [O.S.]  
Party Fucking 2: Electric Boogaloo!

JAMES  
Get fucked, Nick.

NICK laughs, as LIZ and JAMES enter the bathroom.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM, JORDAN’S HOUSE

LIZ and JAMES walk in, LIZ going over to lean on the sink as JAMES shuts the door.

JAMES  
Let’s see, where do I begin with all this…?

LIZ  
_ Start at the very beginning…  _

She laughs to herself.

JAMES  
Huh?

LIZ  
It’s from The Sound Of Music. It’s a nice time.

JAMES  
Oh, musicals! [pause] I’m worried.

LIZ  
Oh no, what’s wrong?

JAMES  
I-- I don’t know how to be in a relationship. Not really. Not like this.

LIZ  
Well, it’s like being friends, only you kiss more.

JAMES  
I don’t know about that, because I sure as hell wasn’t friends with my ex, not what I’d call it.

LIZ  
But friendship’s the foundation for all future relationships. That’s what Victoria says.

JAMES  
But I didn’t know that. I still can’t fully grasp that. And I’m scared  _ my  _ inability to have any kind of healthy relationship that doesn’t involve weed is going to end up hurting  _ you. _

LIZ  
But… But that doesn’t matter. I mean, this is just us having fun. It’s healthy, and if someone gets hurt, oh well. That’s the way it goes.

JAMES  
I thought so too before, but-- But it shouldn’t be, right? I don’t wanna hurt you. The thought of hurting you makes me feel horrible.

LIZ  
Oh. Thank-- Thank you.

JAMES  
I had way too much fun in the past years, and this time I don’t think I want it to be all fun. I want to make an effort, but I want you to know I’m not at all prepared for this and I don’t always know how to go about these things.

LIZ  
Okay. Then we’ll learn. Together.

JAMES  
Liz, listen to me, okay? I’m going to make more of an effort than I ever made in my life for this. I’m going to make sure you never have to thank anyone for basic human decency again, or feel like someone liking you is some incredible thing like you’re not the most amazing person in the world.

LIZ laughs nervously, fiddling with her hair.

LIZ  
I want this to work, I-- I really do.

JAMES  
I really like you.

LIZ  
I really like you too.

He walks over to stand next to her, and she leans up to kiss him, both of them smiling.

CUT TO:

INT. JORDAN’S HOUSE

It’s a little later. JORDAN, ESTHER, and SANDY (in a cheap vampire costume) are chatting on the sofa - More accurately, ESTHER is talking animatedly as JORDAN and SANDY watch.

ESTHER  
Not to be a bitch, but I wish Liz would acknowledge the gaping flaws with the royal family before reducing it to a costume. Like… that woman’s yearly salary could house hundreds of people, and she’s turning it into a joke, I guess. It just means other people will, and nothing will change.

JORDAN  
Yeah, totally… 

ESTHER  
You have two toilets, Jordan, you don’t get to speak, and when the revolution comes you  _ will _ be the first to go.

SANDY  
Jake has four toilets.

ESTHER  
The  _ second _ to go. What are they using all these toilets for?

JORDAN  
Okay, are we still on toilets?

ESTHER  
I can go back to the queen if you like.

JORDAN  
[laughing] I am going to get something else to drink… 

ESTHER laughs too, relaxing a bit, as JORDAN stands up and walks away, leaving SANDY and ESTHER next to each other in awkward silence. They both start to speak at the same time, and both stop. More silence.

SANDY  
I like your costume.

ESTHER  
Oh. Um… I like yours. 

SANDY  
No, you don’t.

ESTHER  
No, I do! It’s, like, fashionable tacky. 

SANDY  
[laughing] Okay… 

More silence. ESTHER runs a hand through her hair, which is down.

SANDY  
You know, you look a lot more relaxed without a ponytail.

ESTHER  
Oh?

SANDY  
Or maybe it’s because you’re not having to shout at a bunch of bored teenagers.

ESTHER  
[laughing] That’d also do it.

SANDY  
Just to, um, say, um… I don’t think you’re uptight or annoying or anything.

ESTHER  
Ah, this is the alcohol talking.

SANDY  
I haven’t drunk anything.

She leans further into ESTHER’s shoulder. ESTHER sits there for a moment, taking it in, sighs, and then moves away slightly.

ESTHER  
No. Nope, nope, no. You’re not doing this.

SANDY  
Doing what?

  
ESTHER  
[lowering her voice] You don’t get to do this, okay? You don’t get to be all fucking… like this! When you still have a boyfriend and you don’t even like me that way. 

She stands up, breathing in and making herself tight.

ESTHER  
Sort yourself out, Sandy, and leave me to sort myself out,  _ please _ .

SANDY stands up too, a little too close.

SANDY  
What if I need you to help me sort myself out?

ESTHER  
Not tonight, though. Christ… go and find your fucking boyfriend. I’ve got a feeling he’ll understand.

SANDY  
What do you…?

ESTHER looks down, back up, then walks away. SANDY sits back down, resigned, and continues to watch the room. Her gaze lands on JAKE (dressed as Luke Skywalker), who’s making his way out of the back door. 

CUT TO:

EXT. BACK GARDEN, JORDAN’S HOUSE

There’s a yellow light above the back door that turns on as JAKE walks through, and illuminates a small, grassy garden with a shed at the back. Apart from the light, it’s very dark - yellowy greyish tones. 

ALISTAIR is sitting on the stone step by the shed, staring at the moon and shivering slightly. JAKE sees him first.

JAKE  
Hi. You… cold?

ALISTAIR  
No. I-- I have a scarf-thing, so… 

JAKE waits for some kind of confirmation that he can join him. None comes, but he goes anyway, awkwardly sitting down about a metre away from ALISTAIR. There’s an awkward silence, ALISTAIR still looking at the sky.

JAKE  
I’m not really feeling the party either.

ALISTAIR  
Seriously? Sorry, I-- You just seem the type. You know, all lads and football and drinking  _ alcohol _ .

JAKE  
[laughing] Yeah, well, some of us defy stereotypes.

ALISTAIR awkwardly laughs, nodding along.

JAKE  
Jesus, this is… fucking awkward, isn’t it? Should be less weird by now, but it is not.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah. Sorry, I-- I’m just still a bit overwhelmed from in there.

JAKE  
No, you don’t need to apologise. You’re always-- doing that.

ALISTAIR  
Being overwhelmed?

JAKE  
Apologising.

ALISTAIR  
[laughing] Yeah, that-- That’s a problem, I’m sorry. Shit, sorry. Fuck.

He takes a deep breath.

ALISTAIR  
I’ve been trying to stop, honestly. My therapist tried to make me do this thing where whenever I say sorry I have to snap a rubber band against my wrist but I just don’t want to do that, you know?

JAKE  
Uh-- Um-- Yeah, don’t do that. Like… that’s gonna hurt… Are they allowed to--? Is that allowed?

ALISTAIR  
Yeah. Applied Behaviour Analysis Therapy’s what my therapist calls it. Honestly, I swear, if those people could they would shock me. Like, with electric. They literally act like I’m some diseased creature, which, I mean, fair enough to them. But-- But, it’s-- It’s different. You know, Liz and other people who’re autistic, they’re different, you know? They’re… I mean, less severe, you know? Sorry, I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. Just forget about it.

JAKE  
That’s… fucked up, mate.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah. You can say that again,  _ mate _ . Autism Speaks just… be like that.

JAKE  
Well, it should be Autism Shuts Up.

ALISTAIR laughs, putting his head in his hands.

ALISTAIR  
Thank you for my rights, Jacob.

JAKE gives a little cheer.

JAKE  
Yay, I made it not awkward anymore…!

ALISTAIR  
You should be a therapist, you’re very talented. I mean, you got me talking, so… 

JAKE  
New kind of therapy… You talk until I think of something stupid to say, and then you take pity on me and are obliged to feel better.

ALISTAIR  
I don’t pity you, I just think you have that Mii music constantly playing in your head.

JAKE laughs, short and loud, followed by some more silence. He looks at the moon, then down, and swallows.

JAKE  
That therapy… First session would be free.

ALISTAIR  
I should hope they all are, under the NHS.

JAKE  
I don’t have any qualifications! This is a very bad private institution. Look, whatever. I’m… just asking if you want to come round to mine at some point, just… to talk, or watch movies or whatever. [laughs] Fuck… I sound like  _ such _ a fucking twelve year old.

ALISTAIR  
No, you sound like the age you are.

He awkwardly smiles, leaning a bit away from JAKE.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah, it really is cold.

JAKE  
I’m sorry. I’m fucking all of this up.

ALISTAIR  
No, no, you’re fine, you’re-- You’re not fucking anything up, I just… don’t like houses.

He’s obviously lying.

JAKE  
Yep, that’s convincing. It’s fine, you can just say no. I get it. I get it. I…

ALISTAIR  
Jake, it’s just-- I-- I don’t know exactly what you’re asking of me here. I don’t want to step over any boundaries or say something I shouldn’t, but I-- I just don’t want to end up hurting anybody.

JAKE  
No, nothing. Nothing,  _ nothing _ . I’m not asking anything. Because you’re not… 

There’s a pause.

ALISTAIR  
I’m not what? You can tell me, this is “therapy”, I guess.

JAKE  
Someone else. A friend. It’s not… you’re not worse or better or anything, you’re just not him. I thought you might be him, but you’re not, and that is fine, and I need to stop now. I’ve been drinking, just… just ignore me.

ALISTAIR  
No, no, it’s okay to talk. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, but if you do… I’m here. I have ears. And I’ve had friends before, so I can kinda get it. I-- I had this friend once. We were really close, like, it was almost creepy. And I was kind of in love with her, in a weird, semi-platonic way. But it was bad. Really bad. So I had to get rid of her, and I tried to replace her. I wanted someone just like her, who would beat me up over every little thing - literally and metaphorically - and would just… Not care. But the girl I tried to replace her with, she was just so nice and kind and there for me. Because you can’t make a person be another person. You either have to talk with that person again or just… let go.

JAKE  
I don’t know who the fuck I am without him.

ALISTAIR  
Then learn. You can’t just sit around sad about someone forever, you have to go out and actually do things. Like, you can’t get better just sitting there wanting to. You have to act.

JAKE laughs harshly.

JAKE  
I know I’m acting.

ALISTAIR  
But, um, you-- You shouldn’t act all the time. It can be bad. Trust me.

JAKE  
What do you know about it?

ALISTAIR  
Jake, I act every day.

JAKE  
I know. I watch you.

ALISTAIR  
Yeah. You do.

There’s a pause.

JAKE  
Maybe we could rehearse again sometime? Peter and Jason? I-- I still don’t have all the lines, but, um, I think I have a good understanding of the character.

ALISTAIR  
Which one?

JAKE shrugs, as the backdoor opens and SOPHIE leaps out, letting a burst of sound out with her.

SOPHIE  
Guys, guys, you have to come back in - we’re making James and Esther sing!

ALISTAIR smiles, JAKE watching him carefully.

ALISTAIR  
Great! Let’s go!

He gets up and walks through the door, after SOPHIE, JAKE not so close behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. JORDAN’S HOUSE

NICK is standing on a table in the middle of the living room, pink feather boa around his neck. TAI is doing a drum roll with a hardback book on his lap from the sofa.

NICK  
And now, the final act of the night! Shoreditch’s own, the Jewish-not-American Princess and Prince, he was a skater boy, she did  _ not _ say see you later, boy! Please, everyone, put your hands together for… a white girl and a brown guy pretending to be twins for three minutes!

Everyone cheers as NICK jumps off the table, and ESTHER and JAMES climb on. LIZ presses a button on her phone and the piano track begins.

ESTHER   
Congratulations, Romeo! Dad'll be excited.

JAMES   
Yeah, I'm looking forward to that conversation… 

ESTHER   
Now, don't forget that behind every great man is a dimwitted sister who just wants to be fed. Nurse! Who knew? I thought for sure I'd get Peasant Number 8… Or Jolly Spinstress Number 3… 

JAMES   
I know you have more confidence in your acting than that.

ESTHER   
Oh, I do.   
_ I know a girl full of confidence _ _   
_ _ Yes, whenever she's full, she's a confident girl _ _   
_ _ She'll have your piece of pie _ _   
_ _ Then inhale another ten _ _   
_ _ There's a thin girl inside her with twelve of her friends _ _   
_ _ Hips that could bear you a buffalo _

JAMES   
Longhorn?

ESTHER   
_ Ass that’s so vast, I could block out the sun _

JAMES   
_ You know that you're insane _

ESTHER   
_ I'm a caution for the vain _ _   
_ _ Mothers say 'Well, dear, there's fat, then there's Jane' _   
_ Plain Jane fat ass _ _   
_ _ Guilty of swallowing Jenny Craig whole _ _   
_ _ Plain Jane fat ass _ _   
_ _ Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role _

JAMES   
Why are you so hard on yourself?

ESTHER   
Why are you such an overachiever?

JAMES   
Dad… 

ESTHER  
Mom…

JAMES   
Nadia, it's just that I know you'd be happier!

ESTHER   
Okay, kiddo, I didn't spend thousands of dollars on private golf lessons so you could quit the team sophomore year!

JAMES   
It's mind over matter… 

ESTHER   
…If you keep your mind focused.

JAMES   
We just want you to be happy… 

ESTHER   
…To make us happy   
_ But why can't the fat girl play Juliet? _ _   
_ _ It's the plumpest of roles, so then why not pick me? _

JAMES   
_ It's just a stupid show _

ESTHER   
_ Says the dashing Romeo _ _   
_ _ Well, I've played a servant for years in a row _ _   
_ _ But I'll have the last laugh, you bet your ass _ _   
_ _ Hurt me? You can't! I have mounds of thick skin _ _   
_ _ Beating high school doesn't last, and someday, I have a hunch _ _   
_ _ That I'll eat them for breakfast and shit them for lunch _

ESTHER and JAMES  
_ Plain Jane fat ass _ _   
_ _ Hungry for love, she's a sensitive soul _ _   
_ _ Plain Jane fat ass _ _   
_ _ Keeping society so ill at ease and loving her role _

ESTHER  
Dad's birthday package arrived two weeks late as usual. Here's your birthday check: Financial proof that Dad loves you, and oh, surprise! A note:  
_'Dear Jason__  
__Please find enclosed__  
__This very thick package that came for you yesterday__  
__I talked to Father Flynn, and he told me you were in__  
__But call anyway when you open it...'__  
__Notre Dame!__  
__'We always knew that you'd keep the McConnell flame burning__  
__Love, Dad'_

JAMES   
Hey, what did Dad get you?

ESTHER   
You mean what did Dad's secretary get me? These earrings. I think they're slimming… What do you think?

JAMES   
Come here.

They hug, laughing to themselves, as everyone applauds.

_ FADE TO BLACK _

_ END OF EPISODE _


End file.
